Fucking Bureaucracy, Motherfucker.

In the United States:
To get a Brazilian visa for a year of research, one must bring to the Brazilian consulate in San Francisco, Los Angeles, Chicago, New York, or Miami:
two copies of the filled-out application; a valid passport; two passport-size photographs; police clearance stating you have no criminal record in the past 12 months; proof of a grant; a letter of invitation from a Brazilian institute signed by someone whose signature has then by recognized by a notary public in Brazil; a copy of the Brazilian governmental decree that discusses research within Brazil; $160 in money order form only

To get a passport, one must bring to the Regional Passport Agency in San Francisco (if one is traveling within 2 weeks; otherwise apply through the mail and wait 6 weeks or more):
a filled-out application; 2 passport-size photos, a birth certificate—the long form, not the short form—and two other forms of identification. An abbreviated copy made by the Brazilian government of a previous US passport is not an acceptable form of identification.

To get a birth certificate in long form, one must drive to the Santa Clara clerk’s office and exchange the short form that one has used one’s entire life for the long form.

In Brazil:
To legally remain in Brazil past 30 days on a research visa, one must register with the Federal Police.

To register with the Brazilian Federal Police, one must bring:
a filled-out application; the passport; the original visa application; the small form stamped upon entry into Brazil; a copy of the small form stamped upon entry into Brazil; two 3 x 4 photographs; and a receipt for R$200, paid to a special counter in the Federal Police building, or certain banks.

If one’s original visa application was not in Portuguese, one must supply a translation. This translation must be done by an offical. Once that translation is received, one must have the signature of that translator affirmed by a public notary.

To open a bank account, buy a cell phone, or get a library card, one must have a CPF number. To get a CPF number, one must:
register with the federal police, pay a R$5 fee to the bank, and stand in line at the Federal Receita in the Ministry of the Fazenda.

To open a bank account, one must also have more than just a temporary police registration card. One must also call the number on the back of the card and say, I need a “sincre”. Naturally, no one but a tired voice on a recording will attend the phone.

Even if one has all these things, one must still show proof of residency through a phone, gas, or light bill with one’s name on it. It must have been sent withing the previous month. This impossibility for me (because I live with families, moving each month) requires me to ask my friend to buy a cell phone in her name for me. A week later, the company calls me to “check the buyer’s information.” I don’t understand what they want, don’t have the information on me, and don’t want to give information over the phone in any case.

My friend and I make a special trip to the store where we bought the phone to square away this issue. They tell us everything is now settled. The next day my ability to make outgoing calls is cut off. When I call the company, the attendant says that the problem was probably that the new information was not yet in the system before the debilitating action was taken. Now my friend must return to the store or send in her documents to São Paulo, which will take about 5 days.

You know you try to preempt some action some detrimental action some extra steps that these corporations and government agencies put on you and it’s entirely useless. They know you need them and they don’t give a shit about your life. And any fucking mottos and messages given in the name of customer service make the entire process all the more ingratiating. Anything else I can help you with today? What do you mean, anything else? You haven’t done anything helpful at all! Just created more and more for me to do. Fuck you!

Sometimes you have to lie: yes, I do have a finalized grant. Yes, I do live in California.
At each step, the potential for denial of your request is terrorizing. It is never clear what steps will follow from the step ahead because bureaucrats do not give out any more information than that which you have specifically asked about.